The angry coed shouted, “I am sorry I ever got engaged to you!!”
The young gentleman shouted back, “Well you should be! You’ve cheated some other girl out of a mighty fine beau!”
Boy (astonished), “How can you possibly marry that old man Mr. Bigbucks”?
Girl (with sparkle), “Well… where there’s a will….there’s a way!”
Coed to her beau, “Oh what a cute tie. I wish I had a dress made of that.”
Beau, “I wish you did too.”
The difference between a lying scoundrel and a publicity agent is that a publicity agent gets paid.
“You said that turkey I bought from you was a domestically raised fowl!”
“Yas Suh, sho nuff it twas jus dat.”
“Well I could hardly eat it. It was loaded with buckshot.”
“Oh dat. Well it twas one a dem home growed turkeys fo sho. Dat buckshot wus intended fo me.”
“Did ya here? Joe got gunned down and killed at that Honky Tonk.”
“No! Why what happened?”
“He rushed in all excited like and shouted ‘FIRE !!!’……and they did.”
“Jones saved one hundred dollars this term living in his college dorm.”
“Wow, how did he do that?”
“He found a brand of beer his dorm mates didn’t like.”
Angry wife, “Now what does this lipstick on your shirt collar mean?”
Hubby, “Trouble my dear, nothing but trouble.”
Newlywed (baking her first pie), “Oh goodness the pie is just burning up and I can’t take it out for 10 minutes yet !”
“Did you have any success with your manuscript?”
(New author), “Why yes, it was just returned in splendid condition.”
“Now son, I want you to tell me why I just punished you.”
“DAD, first ya beats the tar oughta me n then ya can’t remember why?”
Excited citizen, “Help !!! There’s a man drowning in the reservoir !!”
Town drunk, “Don’t matter none, I don’t drink water.”
Newspaper editor, “And what makes you think you will make a good reporter?”
Interviewe, “I can speed type on a computer keyboard with just two fingers while smoking black cigars and can cuss like the Devil !”
Daughter jubulently, “Father ! Oh my song! My song! I never thought my voice would fill that large hall !”
Father, “Neither did I. I thought it would empty it.”
New coed on campus, “Oh who is that splendid young man over there?”
Friend, “Why thats the Dean of the School.”
Coed, “But then who is that aged tottering old man staggering toward us?”
Friend, “Him? Just another Senior.”
West Plains country Law:
Judge, “Jed ah am gonna fine ya ten dollahs right heah!”
Jed, “Ah ain’t got ten dollahs. Ah’s gonna have ta borrow it offen ya Suh.”
Judge, “Great Snakes what ya think ah’s made of, money? Ah needs the Ten dollahs fo mah poker game ternight. Well case dismissed, ya ain’t guilty innyway.”
“Gee John, marriage is a wonderful institution!”
“So’s the penitentiary”
Customer, “That was one of the best steaks I’ve ever had.”
Waiter, “Goodgrief I’ve given you the managers !!”
West Plains Justice speaks:
Judge, “Jed ya is charged wid shootin squirrels oughta season.”
Jed, “Yer Honor ah had ta shoot em in self defense.”
Old gentleman at the wedding, “Young man are you the groom?”
“No Sir, luckely I was eliminated in the final preliminaries.”
Wife, “Dear would you love me even if I was ugly?”
Hubby, “Yes dear you know I do.”
Angry Mum to grinning beau, “I’ll teach you to kiss my daughter !!!”
Beau, “Sorry Maam ya’ll is too late fur that.”
Christian Missionary, “You know nothing of the Christian religion?”
Grinning Cannibal, “Oh we got a taste of it when the last Missionary came through.”
Country Doctor, “And how did you find yourself this morning?”
Country patient, “Well Doc, ah jes opened mah eyes n thur ah wuz.”
Confused beau at the Marriage License window, “Ah…er ….gimme one a dem Marriage licenses fur two please…”
The Judge on the bench was profoundly disgusted with Jed and said, “Gambling n shooting craps on a Sunday? What kinda wicked life is that? Don’t you have something better than that to do on a Sunday?”
”Oh Yas Suh sho do. Gen’ally ah caddies fo you n Mr Jones fo ten dollahs on de golf course Sundays, but yesterday de golf game got rained out so’s ah headed fo de crap game instead.”
Mad Dog James come ridin inta town astraddlin a saddled wildcat whuppin the wildcat inter a gallop wid a live rattlesnake. Mad Dog reins up afore da Saloon, busts through the swingin doors n says, “Gimme a bottle a whiskey wid a handful a gunpowder to da side, n a couple a shots a nitroglycerine ta wash it down wid.”
The quaverin bar-keep asks, “Wh..wh..whur ya ridin in frum?”
“Frum West Plains. The tough guys run me out.”
